


Portmanteau

by kethni



Category: Veep
Genre: Creepy Fantasies, F/M, Fantasizing, M/M, POV Multiple, Spanking, season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-20
Updated: 2015-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-31 11:23:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3976279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kethni/pseuds/kethni
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The problem with dating someone at the office, was that everyone had an opinion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Portmanteau

**Author's Note:**

> For charlesdances
> 
> Rated Mature for some brief but naughty moments.

1)    The Art of War 

 

Know your enemy; know yourself. Bill knew only one person absolutely on his side and that was himself. Everyone else was an enemy, actual or potential. Amy Brookheimer was his target, certainly, but Bill knew that anyone on Selina’s staff could prove either an ally or an enemy: and Bill had no talent for making allies.

Brookheimer and Egan were simple, their high ambitions extended far beyond their lowly abilities. Egan had already proved that he was unable to cope with the stress of campaign manager and Brookheimer was already unravelling. Ryan was a touch more complex than he appeared but, like Gary, was easily manipulated while Cafferty who was both stolid and immovable.

 He had made an error of judgment with Wilson. In Bill’s experience, secretaries, like interns, were barely worth the effort of learning their names. However, Wilson, unlike the rest of Meyer’s imported staff, actually appeared competent. She controlled Meyer’s schedule with an iron grip. That was more annoying than surprising.

What was surprising was that she also appeared to have an iron grip on Davison. Bill was familiar with the man by reputation: for coldness, for precision, and for an entirely admirable lack of human empathy. Bill hadn’t expected to find any obvious levers for the man. If Wilson had been any other sort of woman, she would have been an excellent lever. If Wilson had been any other sort of woman, then she likely wouldn’t have him on a leash.

 

 

2)    Trailblazer

 

Catherine trailed off. Sue was making the right sort of noises but her gaze was fixed on her computer. Geez, it was just like trying to talk to her mom, except at least her mom was busy running the country not just messing around with secretary stuff.

‘Have you quite finished?’

‘Huh?’

Sue was looking at her. ‘You were talking about your new boyfriend. The lobbyist.’

Catherine rubbed her elbow. ‘Mom and dad both think Jason is too old but I’m very mature for my age.’

‘Yes, dating an age-inappropriate man to rebel against your parents is certainly a sign of maturity,’ Sue said. She paused and looked at Catherine. ‘Is what my mother says to me every time she sees me.’

‘Oh because of… because of you and Kent?’

Sue held up a finger as she answered the phone, told someone to stop calling, and then put it down. ‘Yes, although even if he and I were of an age then my mother would find something else.’

Catherine’s mouth twitched into an uncertain smile. ‘My mom’s the same. No matter who I date, they’re always the wrong person.’

Sue rolled her eyes. ‘A sensation with which I am entirely too familiar.’

‘Although there’s way more of an age difference between you Kent,’ Catherine said. ‘There’s only a few years between us. Kent must be nearly old enough to be your dad.’

Sue looked at Catherine over the top of the monitor. ‘Hardly.’

‘But it’s a big gap,’ Catherine said. ‘Right? And you guys are doing… uh…’

Sue raised an eyebrow. ‘Are you asking about my relationship?’

‘No. No, I would… I would never… I just…’ Catherine twisted her toe into the carpet. ‘I can’t talk to my mom about this stuff.’

‘You’re asking for advice,’ Sue checked.

Catherine shrugged. ‘I guess. I don’t know anyone else with a… with an age gap.’

Sue sat back and folded her hands in her lap. ‘Number one, maturation is a finite resource. If Mike or Gary have matured every year then I cannot imagine how immature they were to begin with.' 

‘And Jonah,’ Catherine said.

‘Exactly. Some people mature at twenty-five, or thirty-five, or fifty, or possibly never. Before you are mature, an age difference is important. When you are both mature it becomes irrelevant.’

Catherine perched in Sue’s guest chair. ‘I guess that makes sense.’

‘Of course it makes sense,’ Sue said severely. ‘I said it.’

‘I can’t imagine Kent ever not being mature,’ Catherine said, shaking her head. ‘I imagine he was born with a tiny little beard. Ben maybe. He used to rough-house with his kids a lot.’

Sue paused, briefly distracted from her planned line of thought. ‘You’ve known them both a long time.’

‘Since I was a kid.’ Catherine had her knees pressed together and her ankles wide apart. ‘I had sleepovers with Ben’s kids when he was married to… I can’t remember which wife. They were all just Mrs Cafferty when I was little.’

‘Ben does seem to have had a colourful love life,’ Sue said dryly.

‘That’s why I’m not asking him for advice.’

Sue nodded. ‘What kind of a man is Jason?’ She tilted her head, as Catherine looked blank. ‘For example some men are cats and some are dogs. Cat people are self-contained and need only a minimum of attention. Dog people are gregarious and can be extremely demanding.’

Catherine smiled as Kent ducked into the office, nodded at her, and handed Sue a note. She noticed that Sue didn’t smile, but that her gaze lingered on him for a long minute.

Sue looked at the note as Kent marched away. ‘And some men,’ she said, ‘are dogs disguised as cats.’

 

 

3)    One Hand Slapping

 

Dan knew the sound of a slap when he heard it. Hell, he should, he’d been slapped plenty. It wasn’t as if he could really do much when the rest of the idiots were crowding around Mike’s laptop. So he turned to the sound of the slap.

Sue was at her desk and Kent was hovering behind her, rubbing his hand and… pouting. Holy crap, he was totally pouting. He kept on pouting right up until Sue, not looking away from the monitor, reached behind her. Dan squinted, trying to get a better look at… oh. Okay, she must’ve rubbed his leg. She rubbed his leg and he preened like a cat getting petted. Jesus. She must’ve slapped his hand. Dan wondered what Kent had done to get that reaction. He wasn’t surprised that she liked to lay down the law. Dan could easily imagine her wielding a riding crop or a… leather belt. He could just see her bringing it down hard against pale, tender skin.

And then Kent would pout, and call for his mommy, because some people didn’t know how fucking lucky they were.

 

 

4)    Uncanny Valley

 

God it was creepy. _Obviously,_ it was creepy. Kent was creepy. Weird and creepy. He was like that… shit, she knew she’d read about it the other day. Like a fake person who’s not quite obviously fake but not real enough to fool anyone. Uncanny valley. That was it. He was like some weird android sent into the world to gather data for aliens. She probably shouldn’t be surprised he’d hooked up with Sue. Frankly, she had about as much warmth as Siberia in December, and was about as approachable. Amy thought that they’d split up, until she came out of a toilet cubicle and found Sue looking at her stomach in the mirror.

‘Holy shit! Is that a _bite_?’

‘You’re shouting.’

‘Geez, maybe I’m agitated because someone I know has apparently been moonlighting as the “bring your own body” at a cannibal party.’

Sue’s expression was withering. ‘Amy, it’s only a bite. He didn’t even break the skin.’

‘Then why the fuck are you poking at it?’

‘It’s a human bite. It needs to be monitored.’ Sue smoothed adjusted her blouse. ‘You look like a gold fish.’

‘Because you’re the last person I would expect to be getting smacked around,’ Amy snapped.

Sue raised an eyebrow. ‘You don’t seriously imagine Kent is psychologically or emotionally capable of beating anyone.’

Amy slumped back. ‘Well, I had no idea he was psychologically or emotionally capable of _biting_ anyone.’ She flapped her arms. ‘Now I have that visual jammed in my head and it is never, ever going to leave.’

‘Biting is a sign of passion, Amy,’ Sue said blandly. ‘The Kama Sutra has much of interest to say about it.’

‘Ew! Thank you! Now whenever I hear about the Kama Sutra I’m going to get flashbacks to this terrible, terrible conversation. You have given me post traumatic sexual imagery disorder.’

‘Amy, passion is not a dirty word.’

 

 

5)    Flower Power

 

Gary chewed his thumb as he watched the closed door. He was beginning to get used to waiting around in corridors. He still hated it. All these people running backwards and forwards, all _so_ important, all looking at him as if he’d wandered in off the street. He had a right to be here, damn it. He was important. He had value.

Selina was in there, without him, surrounded by strangers. They didn’t know what she needed. They didn’t understand her six different tones of escalating irritation or the nine warning signs that her eye was about to start twitching. She was working _so_ hard and there was nobody in there to look after her properly.

Gary sighed as he turned around.

And saw Kent watching him.

Gary crossed his arms tightly across his chest. Why couldn’t he have the Leviathan with him to hide behind? He didn’t like Kent very much and he was sure that the older man was just waiting to heap contemptuous scorn upon him.

‘Oh, hey, Kent,’ Gary said. ‘I was just… walking past this… fascinating painting.’ He gave a painting on the wall a friendly pat.

Kent glanced at the painting and then back at Gary. ‘Uh huh. A word in my office if you would.’

‘Sure!’ Gary managed a smile. Was he fired? He couldn’t be fired, could he? Selina wouldn’t fire him. If she were going to fire him, it would’ve been after the state dinner, right? Not weeks after.

He shuffled into Kent’s office and shut the door behind him. ‘Am I fired?’

‘What are you talking about?’ Kent asked, sounding genuinely perplexed.

‘Nothing. It just seems like every time you have a private conversation with someone they end up fired or, you know, “resigning.”’

Kent’s mouth twitched. ‘I cannot claim that’s entirely unwarranted. He gestured at the guest chair. ‘Sit.’

Gary sat. ‘I don’t think I’ve been in here very much. You have so many nice things.’

‘I didn’t ask you in here to fire you.’ Kent sat down. ‘I want your advice.’

‘My… advice? Me? Gary?’

‘Flowers,’ Kent said. ‘Possibly candy. I am lacking sufficient data on what flowers would be best to send.’

‘ _Oh_.’ Gary nodded. ‘Flowers are _absolutely_ in my wheelhouse. I thought that your mom’s birthday was in August?’

Kent picked up a pen from his desk holder and twiddled it between his fingers. ‘If we could weaponise your memory then we wouldn’t need a nuclear programme.’

‘Why thank you! I think.’

Kent lent on the desk. ‘They’re not for my mother.’

‘Well they can’t be for Sue, her birthday is November.’ Gary watched the pen flip back and forth.

‘There are other reasons to send a woman flowers than it being her birthday.’ Kent gestured to Gary. ‘I have seen the care you put into arranging the flowers around the executive residence. Aren’t you, in your own manner, giving her flowers each day?’

‘No!’ Gary laughed too loudly. ‘No. Obviously not! We’re not… _Obviously_ there’s nothing between Selina and I.’

Kent nodded automatically. ‘Good to know.’

Gary squirmed in his chair. He lowered his voice as he lent forward. ‘Is that what people think?’

Kent’s brows came together. ‘Who cares what people think?’

‘Seriously though, people don’t think that there’s something going on between me and Selina?’

‘No,’ Kent said.

‘Oh.’ Well that was… What did that mean? Didn’t they think that he was good enough for her? Of course he wasn’t. He knew that. ‘Because we’re friends,’ Gary said. ‘We’re very good friends.’

Kent tilted his head as he put the lid on his pen. ‘I have heard it said that all love is unrequited. Hate, fear, and anger are simple emotions largely predicated on cause and effect.’ He tapped the table. ‘Love is… complex, and every person’s experience is unique. Two people in love are likely having two different and possibly contradictory experiences.’ He shrugged. ‘Such was the theory.’

Gary shook his head. ‘But that’s so sad,’ he says quietly.

‘Well, that depends on your point of view. We may be little more than tiny satellites receiving desultory flickers of light from the suns around which we orbit, yet we can take some comfort in the knowledge that our affections, returned or not, are as valid as those of any other person.’

Gary watched the pen in Kent’s fingers flicking back and forth at dizzying speed. People talked about Kent and Sue. Gary didn’t like to think about it. It was like thinking about his _parents_.

‘Since Selina became president it feels like that. Like she’s shining in the sky and I’m stuck here on earth.’

Kent nodded. ‘An unfortunate truth is that the object of our affection may never be truly available to us at our desired emotional or physical level and there is likely nothing we can ever do to change that. The only acceptable option is graceful acquiescence.’

‘Wow,’ Gary said. ‘That is _depressing_. I mean, wow. If I thought that I could never really _connect_ with the person I loved then I would be… distraught. That would be, like, the end of my world. If I believed that, I think I would just… wow. That would be it.’

Kent shook his head and threw the pen down onto the desk. ‘Uh, anyway, flowers. Recommendations.’

Gary sighed in relief, glad to be back on firmer ground. ‘Okay, so what’s your concept? What do you want the flowers to say?’

‘I was thinking more bouquet than wreathe,’ Kent said dryly.

Gary rolled his eyes. ‘Flowers aren’t just something you can slap together.’ Gary smacked his hand into his palm to emphasise his points. ‘Flowers send a message. You have to have a _purpose_ and you have to know the _message_ that you’re trying to _send_.’

Afterwards, Gary was making coffee when he saw Kent at Sue’s desk, talking to her. What the heck had Kent been going on about? Sue was giving him a little half smile as she listened. After a few moments, she reached across to brush lint from his suit. Gary snorted. Sue wasn’t “available” at the emotional and physical level he wanted? Yeah, right. He should try her barely knowing he was alive.

 

 

6)    Shame Game

 

Selina shook her head as she leant back in her chair. She looked Sue up and down. It was like talking to a freaking speak weight machine.

‘Can you believe that?’ Selina asked. ‘Who gets engaged that quickly?’

‘Future divorcees.’

‘No fucking kidding.’ Selina shucked off her shoes. ‘You’ve got the right idea, Sue. Not of this commitment BS. Date ‘em. Fuck ‘em. Dump ‘em. No emotional entanglements.’ She knew it was a mistake as soon as she said it. She didn’t even have to see the way that Sue’s shoulders tensed to know she’d fucked up. She should’ve shut or backed down, but damn it, that wasn’t how she rolled. So she doubled down. ‘These girls now they have no idea how lucky they have it. God, when I was Catherine’s age a girl dating around was called all kinds of names, even when it was a political statement. A woman your age, my God, that would’ve been worse.’

Sue didn’t look up from her tablet.

‘Did ya hear what I said?’ Selina asked.

‘Yes, Ma’am.’ There was a snap to Sue’s tone that Selina had only heard once or twice, and _never_ aimed at herself.

Selina drummed her fingers on the desk. ‘Not that I’m saying you do that.’

‘That’s fine, Ma’am,’ Sue said icily as she looked up. ‘I cherish having the President of the United States imply that I’m free and easy with my affections.’

‘Stop _right_ there, missy!’ Selina stabbed a finger in the air. ‘Number one, I did _not_ call you a slut because I absolutely fucking despise the concept. What the hell is with shaming a woman for enjoying a normal and natural part of life? God, nobody calls men on it. It’s misogynistic, it’s ludicrously judgemental, and I won’t have it.’ It was the first time Selina had ever seen Sue lost for words. It was a pretty sweet moment. ‘I enjoy sex,’ Selina said. ‘I assume that you do. Amy… frankly, God knows with Amy. We are rational, powerful women, Sue. Let’s not define ourselves by some patriarchal bullshit.’

Sue nodded. ‘Yes, Ma’am.’

Christ, was Selina going to have to do the girly bonding thing? She always hated that crap and Sue didn’t seem like the sort of woman who’d respond well to it. Selina winced as she looked at the younger woman. ‘Is it a problem you working alongside Kent?’

Sue blinked. ‘I do not have a problem working with Mr Davison.’

‘Good. Although, that’s kinda the risk you take dating someone you work with. When it goes south then it all goes to shit.’

Sue’s arms dropped to her sides. ‘That it not what has happened. I simply wanted a clearer distinction between our work and private lives.’

Selina snorted. ‘I wish to fuck I had one. Like, at all. If I bang the wrong guy, some asshole reporter will splash it all over the news. But you and Kent, you’re keeping it private. That’s good. God, I wish I had that.’

Sue hesitated. ‘I am a discrete unit and I function well that way. What you describe as none of the commitment BS.’ She shrugged. It was an oddly sharp movement. ‘Kent would prefer more amalgamation.’

‘Huh?’ It wasn’t supposed to be a question. A question demanded an answer and Selina was already hearing too much.

‘He would like more than I feel comfortable sharing.’

Selina tried to blink away a host of unwelcome thoughts. ‘Well, isn’t that just like a fucking man, always wanting more… sexually?’

‘Emotionally,’ Sue corrected.

‘Emotionally?’

‘Sexually we are simpatico.’

It was Selina’s turn to be stuck for something to say. Or think coherently, actually. _Kent_ wanted more emotionally? The man who could make Mr Spock look warm and fuzzy? Literally, the only reason that Selina could think for fucking him would be that you could be sure there wouldn’t be any messy emotional entanglements. Okay, not literally the only reason. If you put a gun to her head then Selina would admit that the guy could fill a pair of pants.

‘Right,’ Selina said. ‘Sure, I hate it when men get all emotionally invested and expect you to feel the same.’

‘Men can be so fragile and insecure.’

Selina crossed her arms on the desk. ‘Tell me about it. Christ. Some days…’ She shook her head.

Sue raised an eyebrow. ‘The more mature and powerful men are, the more reassurance they require.’

Selina found herself nodding. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Yeah that’s… yeah...’

There was a knock at the door and Gary sidled into the room.

‘Gary!’ Selina said. ‘Are you… uh… you ready for the thing?’

He blinked rapidly. ‘I… absolutely am! Bring on the thing!’

Sue nodded briskly. ‘Ma’am, if that’s all?’

‘Oh, yes,’ Selina said.  As Sue left, Selina slumped back in her chair. ‘I don’t think I have ever been so glad to see you.’

Gary made a sympathetic face. ‘Bad chat with Sue?’

‘I think she just told me that Kent is clingy. Kent! That’s like complaining an alligator is too affectionate.’

Gary nodded. ‘He told me that she was a sun and he was a little planet orbiting her.’

‘What?’

‘I know. Right?’

Selina blew out her checks. ‘I need a goddamn Scotch.’

 

 

7)    Workplace Discipline

 

‘Jonah.’

He looked up from his computer, which he’d been staring at blankly for the past fifteen minutes.

‘Hey… Sue.’ It wasn’t his usual effusive greeting. He was still feeling a little raw about the speakerphone conversation from hell.

‘Hey.’ She held out a leaflet to him.

‘What’s this?’ Jonah asked turning it over.

‘A leaflet for a support group.’ Sue clasped her hands together.

‘Mr Davison wondered if we should perhaps report Teddy, but of course you don’t want that or you’d have done it yourself.’

Jonah hunched over his desk. ‘I bet you all had a great laugh about it.’

‘Bill Ericsson did,’ Sue said. ‘Because he is a heartless psychopath.’

‘Fantastic! I’m glad someone enjoyed it.’

‘We did not.’ Sue tilted her head. ‘We informed Ben.’

Jonah threw up his hands. ‘Sure! Why not have Mike announce it at tomorrow’s press conference?’

Sue’s expression didn’t change. ‘Since you were not making an official complaint, and were not aware we were listening, we were unsure of the appropriate course of action.’

‘Jesus, Sue! If this gets around, I’ll be a complete laughing stock! I’ll never be able to show my face again.’

Sue nodded. ‘I am well aware. That is why the matter will not be pursued without your explicit instruction.’

Jonah sank back. ‘Oh God! _Thank you_.’

‘Nobody will hear it from us,’ she said, ‘they may from Bill Ericsson.’ She began to walk away but then turned back to him. ‘Go to the group,’ she said. ‘If you would like to pursue… unofficial options, speak to Kent or myself. We would look favourably on it.’

Jonah rolled his eyes. ‘Okay, I think we both know that I won’t be doing that,’ he said. ‘But thanks. I guess.’

Sue nodded and he watched her stalk away. Talk to Kent. Talk to _Kent_. Sure, Jonah was going to do that. He would rather jump off a fucking bridge. Just the idea of that face with its blank expression staring at him while he described Teddy grabbing his balls… Okay, _maybe_ Sue might have some idea. _Maybe_. But Kent? No fucking way. Jonah didn’t believe for a second that anyone touched Kent without permission. There would be like… three people in the world who wanted to touch him in the first place. And one of those was his mom. Kent probably had to pay just to be get his stupid hand held, never mind getting his dick touched. He definitely had to pay to be fucked. One of those high-class hookers where it was a thousand dollars just to look at one titty.

That must be the deal with Sue. He just bet she was filling her closet and shoe racks with the money he paid to sniff her panties. Kent would totally be into some kinky shit like that. You only had to look at him to know he was into some freaky, weird sex stuff. Like calling him daddy. Something like that. You want me to crawl on the ground and lick your boots, daddy? Can I touch… but it aches. Please, daddy, if you don’t want to then can I… I don’t like the gag, daddy, and the handcuffs hurt my wrists…

‘Jonah!’

‘Oh, Christ!’

Amy glowered at him. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’

Jonah hastily adjusted himself. ‘Nothing, I was just thinking.’

‘I don’t want to know what you were thinking about because you were staring into space and moaning like an extra in the world’s worst porno.’

Jonah managed a smile. ‘So you like watching pornography?’

Amy threw up her arms.

 

 

8)    The Person You Are in the Dark

 

So many pretty girls. At this point in his life, pretty girls were like works of art: lovely to look at but definitely not to be touched. Besides, mostly of them were his son’s age and that was a whole other level of disturbing. That was the interns. With the staff all out on the campaign trail it seemed like the only people around were interns. There were girls like Sue, sure, okay women, but they were generally as tough as Granny Rosemary’s meatloaf. Ben had a real distinction between women he worked with and women he dated. The Selinas, the Amys, the Sues, they needed to have thick skins and sharp tongues. They had to be at least twice as tough as the men and everyone knew it. He admired all ‘em, he’d be the first to admit it, and he liked plenty of them, but damn if they didn’t make his balls shrivel.

Didn’t seem to bother Kent, but it wouldn’t. There was a man who didn’t know how to appreciate grace and delicacy. Christ knew that he seemed to go out of his way to spend time with the most intractable and strong-minded women he could find. Then he got all admiring and deferential with them. God, it was weird. But it seemed like the less they gave him the more he offered. His ideal woman was probably Xena the fucking Warrior Princess.

Which is why Ben was surprised as hell to walk past the almost closed door to Sue’s office and hear the tell-tale hiccup of someone trying not to cry. He stopped by the door, unsure if he should say something. The main light was off in the office but he could see some diffuse light painting the darkness into shades of shadow.

‘No,’ said a woman’s voice, softened and blurred out of all recognition. ‘I have been busy all day. Far too busy to think about you.’

Ben moved a little and tried to hear more clearly.

‘Urgh, Ben has been driving me crazy. He was bored. He kept coming in to talk to me.’

Ben heard a snort of laughter but it had the slightest edge to it, as if she might begin crying again.

‘No, Kent. Definitely not. He has been married three times. I’m sure that he can flirt quite competently when the need arises.’

Ben winced as Sue’s tone dipped into coquettish.

‘He could attempt it, but I doubt he would, and if he did it would be futile… Because flirting is not an art where technical skill is the primary marker of success, presentation counts.’

God, it was like being back in fucking high school. Ben touched the door and it opened a few inches. Sue had her back towards the door and was hunched over her desk. Even though her voice had lost most of the lachrymose tinge, he saw her give a huge sigh.

‘I have to go, Kent,’ she said. ‘No, I don’t miss you. I’m far too busy to miss you.’ Her voice softened to a whisper. ‘Come back soon and come back safely. Yes. No. Yes. Love you.’

Ben backed out of the room quickly. Jesus. He wasn’t ever admitting to hearing _that_.

 


End file.
